The end

I never realized how horrid life is til i started thinking about my own.

I've never felt like more utter shyt then today where a lil hello hurts.My past keeps coming back and all i can do is cry begg and plead for forgiveness.but even tho i have been forgiven i cant let them forgive me for the unforgivable

i was the most horrible person u will ever meet..i cheater..a liar..i never have been with anyone that i didn't lie or cheat on..til i was with Christina.
and you will not believe how amazing she made me feel like i was a good person and i was worth something
i never felt soo happy in my life
i never have been
And all i wanted was to be with her and have her in my arms
But stil it all went wrong
i got my heart broken by the 1st real gf i ever had and now im just utter shyt.
again im back to the same meaningless life i call me.

It all started so long ago with my only tru love.
the only person who i cared for and lived just to make her happy
She took care of me and until the day she died is when i lost myself died with her and after that i went down hill..all i wanted was to see her and tell her how much i loved her and appreciated everything she did for me but i never got the chance..and i feel like utter shyt..becuz if i was there..if i wouldve slept in the same room with her that night..my grandma would stil be here..guiding me..making me feel that there is beauty in life.
and her death was all my fault.
if i wouldve slept that night with her in our room i kno i couldve saved her but i didnt i was just to stupid..so i blame it everyday all on me that i lost the only person who made me believe in everything..
the only person i saw was real and tru to the world
but now its horrible to live with myself to say it was all my fault
How it is to wake up everyday saying i kno i shouldnt even be here right now..
having to live with myself for something i should be dead for
but i kno i have done bad and i done good but my bad has defeated me and now im bound to be like this
i have ups and downs but why does it seem the the downs impact you even more?
idk but i realized this in the past week
im stupid
im stupid for believing that i am good when i kno im not all i did was put an image saying i am good but im not
im utter shyt thats all
im ok with that?
of course

down to every mistake i realize all i do is try to look out for myself!
how fucking selfish is that!!
it amazes me how i have had the most amazing people walk into my life and be there for me and all i did was hurt them.
its like im meant to be a person who looks like a good person but i truly am not..
im beautiful..im amazing..im soo nice..
all words that dont make sense to me
i love you?
how can anyone love a sense less thing like me?
im nothing good but stil holding on to something i dont kno what

Every time i break down i go to my root
my pain
my hurt
it all comes from me
i am the hurt
i am pain
its all me
and i kno it is.

i lost who i am and i dont even want to find myself
i have nothing
i had the best thing in the world and now i lost it
and it feels horrible cuz i want is to beg and plead back for it
but inside im ignorant to even try cuz my fucking head says your stupid
your weak
your nothing
no body cares
nobody has ever cared
give up
let go
dream
but not make it reality

Hows it feel to live for something?
i thought i new but now its nothing
im nothing
all it is is an empty space
freedom

but stil i am chained to this miserable life
i have no way of being freed
i want to pay for what i have done and that is to live
i live for her for her happiness
but what if i am false
im not her happiness
i am just nothing

loving a meaningless field
of open but horrid touch of nothing in all eternity
softness of nothing there to be said i am the one
but be betrayed but the true word i speak
my words are real and true
so let me be here to be forgiven of what i am and what i want to be.