Tuoni

You ever had those certain kinds of people who touch your heart so without knowing them for years and years?

Well Tuoni did that to me.

I only known her for a little less than a year and i dont know how i feel like i can trust her with my life..but the weirdest thing is that we never really talk about hard hittin feelings or anything like that but idk its weird!

She just randomly came into my life just one day and since then i just feel a little more safe.

Our friendship started somewhat werid.

I'll admitt i'd had a crush on her for a year..before we met. haha

but once we started talking my crush grew so much more!

She is one of the most caring people i ever met.She can make me laugh.And no matter where we are were always having a good time and making memories.

Not only is she the cutest lil ball,but she is amazingly talented.

First time she ever played for me..i seriusly like wanted to cry.

Something about her voice hit me and opened my eyes alot more! She make a girl fall on her knees! YEAH THAT GOOD!

Everytime i listen to her sing and play it just always touches my heart!

I kno with her voice she can open me up and take a thousand words away from me.Its crazy!!!!!!

Honestly shes someone you would love to have..

Everytime we hung out was like AMAZING!!

I was so comfertable being myself..and thats very rare.

We started of haveing feelings for each other and trying it out but something told me that we wouldnt work in a relationship..that it would be better as a friend..A friend that can always be there for me when i need them and have a great time everytime were hanging out..It meant more to me to have her as a friend than a girlfriend..

Most of the time relationships end and knowing that ill lose someone so amazing like her for some reason would bother me forever..Friendships can last for years and i know that i will be really good friends with her for a very long time.

That means more to me.

I know she doesnt know any of this beacuse i tend to hide what i think and feel.

But tuoni is just one of my closest dearest friends that mean so much to me

All i want is for her to be happy!No matter what i try to be a good friend to her and show her that i care.

I really do love her and i want her to know that! I ll alwasy stay a true friend and be there for her when she needs me.

I LOVE YOU !

The end

I never realized how horrid life is til i started thinking about my own.

I've never felt like more utter shyt then today where a lil hello hurts.My past keeps coming back and all i can do is cry begg and plead for forgiveness.but even tho i have been forgiven i cant let them forgive me for the unforgivable

i was the most horrible person u will ever meet..i cheater..a liar..i never have been with anyone that i didn't lie or cheat on..til i was with Christina.
and you will not believe how amazing she made me feel like i was a good person and i was worth something
i never felt soo happy in my life
i never have been
And all i wanted was to be with her and have her in my arms
But stil it all went wrong
i got my heart broken by the 1st real gf i ever had and now im just utter shyt.
again im back to the same meaningless life i call me.

It all started so long ago with my only tru love.
the only person who i cared for and lived just to make her happy
She took care of me and until the day she died is when i lost myself died with her and after that i went down hill..all i wanted was to see her and tell her how much i loved her and appreciated everything she did for me but i never got the chance..and i feel like utter shyt..becuz if i was there..if i wouldve slept in the same room with her that night..my grandma would stil be here..guiding me..making me feel that there is beauty in life.
and her death was all my fault.
if i wouldve slept that night with her in our room i kno i couldve saved her but i didnt i was just to stupid..so i blame it everyday all on me that i lost the only person who made me believe in everything..
the only person i saw was real and tru to the world
but now its horrible to live with myself to say it was all my fault
How it is to wake up everyday saying i kno i shouldnt even be here right now..
having to live with myself for something i should be dead for
but i kno i have done bad and i done good but my bad has defeated me and now im bound to be like this
i have ups and downs but why does it seem the the downs impact you even more?
idk but i realized this in the past week
im stupid
im stupid for believing that i am good when i kno im not all i did was put an image saying i am good but im not
im utter shyt thats all
im ok with that?
of course

down to every mistake i realize all i do is try to look out for myself!
how fucking selfish is that!!
it amazes me how i have had the most amazing people walk into my life and be there for me and all i did was hurt them.
its like im meant to be a person who looks like a good person but i truly am not..
im beautiful..im amazing..im soo nice..
all words that dont make sense to me
i love you?
how can anyone love a sense less thing like me?
im nothing good but stil holding on to something i dont kno what

Every time i break down i go to my root
my pain
my hurt
it all comes from me
i am the hurt
i am pain
its all me
and i kno it is.

i lost who i am and i dont even want to find myself
i have nothing
i had the best thing in the world and now i lost it
and it feels horrible cuz i want is to beg and plead back for it
but inside im ignorant to even try cuz my fucking head says your stupid
your weak
your nothing
no body cares
nobody has ever cared
give up
let go
dream
but not make it reality

Hows it feel to live for something?
i thought i new but now its nothing
im nothing
all it is is an empty space
freedom

but stil i am chained to this miserable life
i have no way of being freed
i want to pay for what i have done and that is to live
i live for her for her happiness
but what if i am false
im not her happiness
i am just nothing

loving a meaningless field
of open but horrid touch of nothing in all eternity
softness of nothing there to be said i am the one
but be betrayed but the true word i speak
my words are real and true
so let me be here to be forgiven of what i am and what i want to be.

"I"

I am emotional

I am real

I cant open up

I wont fail

I don't know what to do

I want to prove

I want to need

I will make it through

I have feelings

I have fears

I wont be afraid of the pain

I shed many tears

I crave more than this

I will defeat the enemies

I wont pretend

I see no need in a friend

I have a burning passion

I have nothing more than feelings

I try to forget

I try to let go

I try to imagine

I know i will never let go

I take the beatings

I never recover

I will feel them for all my life

I never liked

I want them to die

I cant take it anymore
I see the world

I want to stay far away

I wont be the blame

I still cry

I will never be the same

For theses emotions will run deep in my vain.

Broken

The hardest part

is waking up everyday,

Knowing you have a broken heart.

Having so much struggle

has brought nothing but strength .

Broken into a thousand pieces

Trying to stay strong

But you cant hang on .

There's nothing to believe in.

Every tear falls for a reason

Don't let it beat you up.

Getting hurt and getting scars

is what makes you who you are.

All the beauty comes from within

Start believing in yourself.

Be the sun

Break out of the clouds

Fall to your knees and

Shout to break out.

At the end of it all

every piece will find it's place.

CUZ WE ARE ALL BROKEN!

My Happiness

Ever since i was young i been hurt by people that mean the world to me.I've realized that no matter how bad people have treated me i can never give up on love.And thanks to her I know it does exist.Through all the heartbreak and hard times i went through to get where i am at.I can never regret any of it.Coming from being a bad person and never doing the Right thing.I have changed and finally am doing better.I do believe everything happens for a reason and i know that the reason for her to walk into my life is to show me real love.She has made me feel more safe and happy than anyone ever has before.I Cherish every moment i spend with her.I cant go on a day without hearing her cute lil baby voice say " you and yo chop chop!" haha.She puts a smile on my face that makes my cheeks hurt.Not to mention when she makes me laugh,she makes me build abbs.lol.I'm so grateful to have her in my life.I want to be the best for her.I wake up every morning thinking of her and how i cant believe im the one person that has her.I go through my day thinking,of her as i tlk,breath,play,sing and be.She's the one person i know i can be myself and not feel retarded.I've known her for almost a year now and it's amazing after so long of a time we both never lost interest.We both changed through out the year and perfectly found each other at the time we were meant to be.We been through a lot in a short a matter of being together but everytime we come to a rough time it makes me realize how much i love this girl.She is what makes my day full of life.The only girl I could ever love and care for.She is the one who has my heart.I feel more loved then cupid ever could!When im with her,holding her is like i have everything i need in my arms.Its never felt so perfect to be with someone like it is with her.I feel like i was meant to be with her.When im with her i feel like i can do anything.All o need is to have her in my heart and i will be happy.The love that she gives me is indescribable.The feelings i have for her are strong and never ending.As i think i cant get any more attached it seems to be proven wrong.I love her from the bottom of my heart. From the moment I first talked to her, I knew that I wanted her in my life, whether as a friend of something a little more. I always dreamed of a girl like her.But never came close to having it.And now i have her and could not be happier.

So baby I love you. I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you now how much you mean to me. I could hardly understand what I feel for you, knowing how to endure those long sleepless nights just thinking only of you. I've never been like this before. I just don't know how to pour out my feelings for you. I wanted to find the perfect words to make you realize how much I need you and love you, but words continue to not be enough. From the first time we talked to each other on the phone I knew you were special. And the first time we met, words cannot even explain. I was so nervous; until I saw you. It seemed so natural, like we've known one another for years.I never knew I could feel this strongly about someone this soon, but you've proved me wrong.You've walked into my life and totally turned it around. I was so depressed and torn up about what had happened to me in the last year or so; I was nearly ready to give upon love. You gave me the hope that I needed to keep going on. I am so grateful for having you in my life. I've been waiting on someone just like you to walk into my life. Baby, thank you for everything.You make every day so special. You are my life, my heart, my soul. You are my best friend, my one true love, my one and only. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I'll love you more tomorrow than I do today. Day by day, my love for you becomes overwhelming, and I can't handle it when I don't see or even talk to you every day. A day without you in my life is like a day without sunshine, a day without food, or a day without air. I need you when I’m cold to keep me warm; I need you in the rain to keep me dry; I need you in my life to keep me happy.You are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. Each moment that you and I spend together is so magical that I catch myself smiling for no reason at all. I thought that I would never find a love that is as strong as ours, but now that we've found each other I know that you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, the thing i like so i definitely put a ring on it., the person I want to have cute asian mo hawk babies with, and the person I want to grow not really old but i guess old with. haha .Baby, you complete me. You make my life so amazing and I don't know how else to repay you but to love you just as much as you love me. The world is a better place to be because of you. You make me feel beautiful. And the best apart about all this is... that im the one who calls you baby all the time:D

i love you Christina!

<3

Who is nova?

I DON'T KNOW!

My story starts in march..
i was born into some odd circumstances..I wasn't exactly part of the family.
And as far back as i can remember my mom would tell me i was different and to any idiot of course you can tell i was. I was born into a family that had morals and structure.But you see i was the one that wasn't meant to happen.Yeah i was a bastard baby.And i don't mind. I'm grateful for having life.
My dad. I hate him with a passion.I've never met him once in my life but the way he made my life a living hell is just the start of my life.
My mom. She is the only person i have ever and i love her to death.I don't think i ever said that to her and i regret it.She married a man,which is my bother and sisters dad. And after a long time of abuse she left him. During this time she met my dad, Ronald. I don't know exactly what happened between them becuz my mom never likes to tell me anything about him.
Anyways, like any stupid woman that loves a man she went back to that abusive relationship.But she brought a little bit more baggage. ME!
Yeah mom got knocked up by a stranger.:/ but she made the best of it and raised me with mr.abuse.He raised me til about 6 years old when my mother finally build courage to leave him.
So their we are. My family.
My mom worked from 3 in the morning til about 7 or 9 at night. so i didn't have a childhood.Never went to the zoo or played in the park with my huskie..ha ha nope not me
i was stuck at home cleaning,cooking and being watched by my sister.
wasn't that bad but OK.
You know that one person as a kid who you love and trust? well for me it was my grandma.
I loved that woman with every beat of my heart!
She was the one that made me have a conscious.
So.. as i grow i knew alot. not that smart but very bright.
And well now im just me.
Grown to be the person ur reading about.
Over the past 4 years i have developed a state of mind that always changes.
I've moved plenty of places and met amazing wonderful ppl but did they make me who i am?
answer is yes.
At about 11 years old i started to be aware of what was going on in life.
We struggled.I did have a bad childhood dealing with alot. I guess i was just going thru ur average phases of growing up. so at that age i started to become interested in girls..and if you dont kno yes i am i girl..so add those to things 2 gether and what do you get out of it??
haha
I didnt know who i was or what was right from wrong but as time passed i realized that i did know what i liked it.I got to know someone and she made my life amazing.It didnt last long but from what i experienced with her it was enough to remember forever. As im stil growing i've experienced happiness,and trust,friendship and memories.But of course this world isnt perfect so i had the pain, the loss, and suffering.As i sit here im going thru what ppl call a hard time.
And i know it wont be this way forever but i do want to remember it.It might be a load of crap to most of you but honestly who the hell are you to say?


Nova!